I went to Mass today with surprisingly little trepidation. I was ready for the hugs and even the one friend who was teary. I was ready to listen to the Scriptures.
And I knew the first reading, Genesis 15, at its opening line. It is one of my absolute favorite readings, and it made me smile to be treated to it on this of all Sundays. I’ve never heard a homily that focused on it– the Gospel is the Transfiguration, after all! Jesus went to the desert in last week’s gospel to fast and be tempted, and now he goes to the mountaintop where his glory is revealed to the disciples.
But I had been inspired back in 1989 sitting in a Catholic church, not quite a Catholic again, to spend a year with the story of Abram in the desert. He asks God: “How will I know that I will get the promises you’re offering, of descendants without number?” And God sends him into the desert to sacrifice some animals, and then birds of prey come (not the cleansing fire of God to consume the sacrifice) and he has to beat them off, and then “a deep and dreadful darkness” falls over Abram, and he spends some time in a terrifying trance. It must have seemed like God abandoned him, not like the beginning of a sacred time. But something happens. At dawn, the darkness lifts, a fire passes between them– the sign of a covenant being made between them. When Abram leaves the desert, he is almost immediately renamed Abraham. It is his transformation story.
I wrote a cycle of 15 poems about that passage. I actually had the good fortune to perform them at a poetry event with the Sisters of Saint Joseph in Orange, California in 2003. But mostly I’ve not done anything with them. They are strange and dark– there are birds of prey and visions. And in the end it is still a mystery to me what makes an Abraham out of an Abram. What it is in this desert experience that prepares a man to be willing to offer his son as an offering after what he has been promised is a son even when the odds of age and his wife’s barrenness are against him. It is a cycle built on my imagining, knowing poetry can explore and convey mystery better than other forms.
What about me? I am in the desert now. With my deep and dreadful darkness, and the birds of prey, and visions. With my faith in God, and knowing by dawn I will be transformed.
I want to share the very first thing I wrote, the night before the official diagnosis. It was the middle of the night, and I knew some of what was coming but was still hoping for better news, and I wrote a prayer.
Let me fall into it—the need for care
and the offer of care from others,
the helplessness, let me let go when needed.
Let me not worry about all the outside;
let me let go, move away from all that
if only for a little while. For this time.
Let me walk with grace through it,
the indignities and pain and need,
whatever bad food or lack of appetite.
In the middle of the night,
let me have hope and peace and love.
Be still and know that he is God…you seem still and at peace somewhat with your walk. Whether a sudden diagnosis or a lifetime walk with an illness (I wear an insulin pump) walking through it with God and those he sends is a blessing beyond imagination.
Susan
Beautiful prayer. Thank you for sharing. It will be my prayer for you in the days ahead.
Love, Mom
Thanks for sharing so deeply. I was diagnosed with stage four kidney disease not long ago, and this prayer will be helpful for me as I face my own desert and darkness. You are full of grace that spills out in your writing. Thank you.
Susan, I will offer your prayer every day.
Thank you, Aunt Rita!
That is first reading 2nd Sunday #biblestudies…
What of the second: Ask, Seek Knock:”So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you…”For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.”
I don’t wish to move you along too quickly nor fail to empathize with that which you face today and seemingly alone in the middle of your nights. I believe that faith is a conversation as much as it’s a transfiguration within: you are never alone! The belief that Emmanuel can enter your house when you turn yourself to His divine will does not mean that our earthly lives are not without end. Everyone’s ends; eternal life, continuous blessings, reunification. Please do watch youtube: Miracle at Damascus. Mary, Mother of hope and glory always intercedes before a war and she doesn’t abandon. There is also a youtube miracle cure lady who gives TED talks. Have faith and turn your pain over to God, Padre Pio and Mary. I am praying for you and I will with your permission pray this prayer!
To the giver of gifts, Susan, with the deepest of gratitude. ?Suzi
I don’t know why people keep asking me permission to pray! Or be added to the prayers of community. Please, pray! Thank you, dear Jean. I always think of a line from Willa Cather’s “My Antonia,” when a Catholic came into a Protestant family’s house and knelt and prayed at a Christmas tree– a bit heathenish for the Protestant grandfather. But he bowed his head and then told his grandson: “The prayers of all good people are good.” That has always been my motto and my belief!
Jane, I am so sorry to hear that. I didn’t know. When you share, you also share deeply. I’m so grateful for your presence on this blog.
Susan
I will offer your prayer everyday
I do believe our LORD wants goodness for us all
and he will watch over you with Love
Susan,
As of today, I am one of your followers, sensing — as in that prayer you wrote in the vulnerability of night — that you are holding up a light for all of us as we walk into the unknown. Thank you for that prayer, and mine for you is that you feel held by that very hope and peace and love that you desire. God’s grace and our love is with you as begin treatments!
Thank you, Becky.
I am touched by your lovely, prescient prayer. Asking God to heal and enstregthen you, to meet you in the darkness and walk with you … Asking for God’s very present help.