Talismans

It’s certainly human nature, when much is out of one’s control, to become superstitious. Facing cancer, I’m surprised and also not surprised by my level of superstition– or maybe closer to what Joan Didion calls “magical thinking.”

For example, a friend sent me this lovely bamboo plant. It had seven stalks, which is an auspicious number for health. I started panicking when I realized that one of the stalks was not going to make it– probably just didn’t have enough roots when it arrived. Surely it was a bad thing to have SIX bamboo stalks. The whole symbolism got thrown out the window. Finally, yesterday, I pulled myself out of this and threw away the dead stalk, and now all I can see is how gloriously alive this bamboo plant is. And the nature of bamboo is to regenerate, so soon I’ll cut off a shoot, root that out, and then I’ll have seven again.

I’ve been recommended all sorts of things to help treat the cancer. There is an Indian cure, an Asian cure. Turmeric. For ovarian cancer specifically, two people right away told me about Frankincense. I bought some frankincense essential oil and was misting it (until the mister broke) but now rub it along my abdomen, where the cancer is. I really like the scent. Some people eat or put frankincense under their tongue, but the nutritionist recommended against that. There are other formulations and probiotics recommended as well. It could make a person crazy. This is an exercise in letting go of control, and fear,

There’s also cannabis, or specifically cannabis oil, which (in addition to chemotherapy) cured someone’s lung cancer. I have not watched the Youtube on that one.
And there are beads, and crosses, and St. Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer. Cancer in his leg disappeared the day before he was to have the leg amputated. A friend sent me the cutest little St. Peregrine, which I have hung on my backpack zipper from his handy clasp.

And there are foods that kill cancer cells. Turmeric, and broccoli, blueberries– antioxidants and oxalic acid, but not too many leafy greens. Raw better than cooked, smoothies good, wheatgrass juice, etc. Protein is important.
Mostly, I am trying to ignore all this. I am trying to be OK with how little control I have and continue to eat good food, get rest, and deal with the side effects from the chemotherapy. That has brought a lot of other things into my life– over-the-counter things that people deal with all the time: painfully dry sinuses, heartburn, dry skin, constipation, sleeplessness… I asked Steve to bring up an antacid the other morning, and he came up with my prescriptions. “Nope, just the one that says ‘heartburn relief’ on it, like anyone can buy.”

This is the “bad week,” the two-drug week. But it’s not like the last round, when I was nauseous. And I know that this round of symptoms will subside, too, as my body rebalances and adjusts. The one thing I’d most like to affect, my white blood cell count, I absolutely have no dietary control over (though the protein supposedly helps).

And the most important thing is to just move forward with the treatment plan, keep my mind mostly clear of all the background noise surrounding cancer, and we’ll rebuild this body once the treatment is accomplished.