Tomorrow afternoon we leave for the hotel near the hospital. I have waited for the surgery for an extra three weeks beyond what I was willing to wait– one more thing more or less out of my control.
I know in the last week or two I’ve been having anxiety dreams, but I never remember them. I’ve even woken up a few times gesturing, once punching the air. That’s not like me at all.
Last night, or more near dawn, I had a dream that I was a Chuck Close painting.
Close is known for his very large portaits, many of them self-portraits, made of a grid of abstract patterns. When you walk away from the portrait, you can’t see the abstract pattern, but up close it’s more difficult to make out the face.
James, by Chuck Close
I enjoyed it, being a bright grid of colors. I was small, though. I was looking at myself/my portrait like an iPhone, no doubt a reference to all the selfies I’ve taken of my strange self over the past six months.
Suddenly, though, the portrait, ME, shattered. All the little pieces, like pieces of tile, flew apart and scattered everywhere. It woke me up. How would I get myself put back together again?
This dream, I remembered.
I have full confidence that the surgery will go well. I am hopeful that it will be as minimal as possible, that the healing of all the afflicted areas has been continuing these extra weeks– with prayer and frankincense and my body’s own immunity kicking in to help. But there’s always anxiety.
Will say a prayer from a temple in Bali and send you many many many good thoughts.
In the New Zealand Prayer Book, one of the lines in Night Prayer is: “God gives us gifts,
even while we sleep’. My prayer is that you will be gifted day and night with Divine healing gifts.
I am praying for good results from your surgery and peace of mind and heart for you!
Thinking of you everyday and lifting you in prayer. I have a 5ml bottle of frankensense I will send you when you get home! I love you and can’t wait to hear of your successful surgery!
Sending you love, hoping it will help you keep your many pieces within your grasp.
Thanks for sharing your experience of anxiety. What a powerful, powerful dream. I think it is a promise of new life, new integration, after this period of chaos and uncertainty. You are being held in so many people’s prayer, Susan. If it’s not a happy ending, it’s not the end–you know that!
You are so much more than pieces shattered. My prayers are intent on your wholeness as God’s continual making.
Susan, I wrote this for you during Kenosis in June.
For blessed are the poets, the schedulers, the writers, the gardeners, the administrators, the cooks. Blessed are the carpenters, the prairie keepers, the roosters, the trainers of dogs. Blessed are the wives and husbands and second marriages and those who have courage and faith to go forward when they know how badly everything may go. Blessed are the fearful and the trusting and the faithful and those with no faith at all. Blessed are those called to God and those running from God crying in anguish to be found.
Blessed are the breathers and those gasping for breath and those savoring each long inhale and exhale. Blessed is the night, the closing of eyes, the fretful sobbing, the soothing caress.
Blessed is the life that is ours right now and blessed are the lives of those we love and hate and barely tolerate. Blessed is each morning that brings new dew, new eggs and new fresh light.
I look forward to your next post. May it be soon.