The Tree

tree-scar-1During these months and months of treatment, people have said a lot of things to me about my positive attitude. They’ve called me inspiring and said that if they were in my place they would most certainly feel sorry for themselves.

It is all just grace and the presence of the Holy Spirit. I’m more surprised than anyone else. And I’m grateful for all the prayers that have been a great part of the healing and of my ongoing sense of peace.

It has not been fake or forced. I keep waiting for the depression to descend, but it never does. Oh, sure, I’ve been frustrated a lot. I’ve been sad, especially the days I can’t do the things that were easy to do. I’ve felt helpless, and that is not a good feeling. I don’t feel like I’m pulling my weight (figuratively and literally) around here. But also I’ve just found deep reserves of acceptance at all levels. For the most part, the things I’ve feared most have not happened. Numbers have gone down and scans have become clear and in surgery no drastic actions were taken and no cancer was left behind.

One of the more popular posts I’ve written here is the one on resiliency. It was about believing we could keep our selves despite changes to our body shapes, physical compromise. For me, the real moment of truth was the surgery. I was worried about the scar, which would be formidable. I took photos of my stomach and my body, thin from chemo, so I would remember the “before.” I’m not vain and I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my belly! There was no point in my life when I desired or would have felt comfortable in a bikini. But still.

So one big surprise is how easily I have embraced the scar, the change to my body. Maybe it is, again, low expectations– hey, that’s not that bad. It’s even interesting, and kind of funny, with its little detour around my belly button.

About a week before surgery, Steve and I went for a walk in Eagle Park, a great small park with an eagle living at its center. Steve had burned the park’s prairie, which is basically the entire park. It also has beautiful oaks and very large slabs of granite poking out of the ground. The fire in the spring did its job of clearing weeds and making room for large stands of native grasses and flowers.

I took a photo of the tree above. I didn’t think of it as a photo of a scar. I took a photo of this tree because I thought it was interesting and beautiful. Is it possible I feel that way about my scarred belly, too?

Well, I won’t be putting on a bikini anytime soon. I am looking forward to building back my “physical confidence” and pushing my body on long walks and in exercise again. I have lost that confidence, so am looking forward to seeing all the things it can do.

Meanwhile, what grace, again, what outpouring of grace and mercy, that I can look at myself in the mirror and not grieve but see something interesting, and strong, like that oak.

Posted in art, cancer, prairie | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Limping to the Finish Line

I feel the need to post something to get that owl off my front page, but it is tough. I had a hard weekend with the effects of the chemotherapy. I had to drag myself out of bed for five days of shots (formerly Granix, now called Zarxio) to address my very low white blood count. And I have anemia– dizziness, ringing in my ears, tightness in my chest. But mostly I have just had about 3-4 days where I couldn’t do anything, not even read, because I’m in a weird bubble. Chemoland.

This morning, with the last Zarxio shot, we also drew blood because I might need a transfusion for the anemia. Tomorrow. I want to keep on track for the final chemotherapy on Wednesday.

The weather has been beautiful. Mostly what that has meant for me is my patio door in the bedroom has been open. And that has added a strange level to the Chemoland experience. The night the owl was killed both Steve and I were really upset. I went to bed and woke up, I swear, to hooting out beyond my patio door. I thought maybe it was the chickens cooing or clucking in their coop, but it definitely sounded like an owl. It made me think an owl was mourning the other, looking for its mate, circling the area.

The coyotes were also active out in the woods. They sound close, and like a large pack. Their first round was hunting– you hear the rabbit or whatever it is after squealing along with the howling. About 2 a.m. something started that sounded like a drag race– one car after another revving up and speeding, Nascar sounds. The coyotes joined the noise and took up howling again.

The whole natural world was active, not calm. Everything was very still, and I felt like I was dream traveling in that world. I pulled on my comforter, for the weight and sense of protection, though it wasn’t cold.

Yesterday I had Steve kill Fred and clean and treat the coop for possible mites or lice. I just couldn’t cope, and was having visions of her freezing to death in the barn. It is unseasonably warm, but that won’t last. Even if we successfully treated her for mites, the feathers don’t grow back quickly. I also wouldn’t put a sick chicken in the barn for winter with the other chickens. In another year, I would have been on it and done the treatment. But not this year.

It might sound heartless. I’m trying to think like a farmer– it’s a chicken, though we didn’t eat her because I don’t know what was wrong with her. I will get more chicks in the spring. And the other three chickens are beautiful, successfully molted and ready for winter. I’m not sad about her. I’m just tired.

It has been a strange year of ups and downs.

My book was published, and I was diagnosed with cancer at almost the same time.

The Cubs won the World Series (I’m not a big fan, but I am from a Chicago suburb and have lived in Chicago as an adult), and the election season has been so rancorous and suggests such deep anger in our country (no matter who wins).

And cancer itself has been a nightmare and a blessing. Knowing so many people love me, and reconciliation with my sister is something I would never trade. But, cancer and chemotherapy and major surgery and all that entails.

I have made plans and bought tickets to go to Long Beach, California and to Seattle/Tacoma for three weeks in January-February. A lot of cancer survivor materials talk about the need to rebuild physical confidence. I plan on long walks and yoga and good food and visits with friends. And hopefully writing, too.

And definitely checking in with you, my friends. Definitely blogging.

When I come home it will be time to start the leeks on the windowsill.

 

Posted in cancer, the Farm | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Bird Trouble

We’ve had some bird trouble lately. I suppose it is to be expected out here in the country.

Today’s bird trouble is very sad and tragic, because it involves a wild bird. Not just any wild bird, the most majestic and special of them all: an owl. Tonight we are mourning the loss of the owl. Steve said it will give him nightmares– he’s second-guessing his actions and wishing he’d realized before it was too late that it was an owl, and what kind of trouble it was in, before he shot what he thought was a skunk or raccoon out to get our chickens, and out during the day (which suggests rabidity).

dead-owl-2

Last night Steve heard “a large creature” near the chicken pen rooting around and making some noise. It was pitch dark and he didn’t have a flashlight, so he shut all the chicken doors (pen and coop) and hoped for the best.

But this morning, when the creature was still there, he got serious. Whatever it was– raccoon? skunk? It shouldn’t be hanging around there and might be tunneling under the coop. It was still nearly dark at 7:15 a.m. He came inside, got his pistol and shot it.

dead-owl-1

And only then did he realize it was a bird, a big bird. It shouldn’t be stuck down there struggling under the pine tree either. But on closer inspection, he could see it was a large brown owl, and its leg had been caught in a trap. Look at that beautiful wing. We also knew this owl, sort of. We had seen it perched in a dead tree by the pond, about 30 feet away.

The trap was sizable, and not set by anyone we know– certainly not anyone on the farm. Steve tends to set basket traps to capture the occasional skunk that is tearing up the commons or his seedling area. Those pests also suffer a gunshot. But they are pests. No one would shoot an owl on purpose.

Steve went to work right after letting the chickens out, so it was late this afternoon when we went to inspect the owl. He did the right thing– its leg was nearly severed and it had been struggling for at least twelve hours out there. Trying to take it to a rescue would have been dangerous– it is a big creature with one set of talons intact and I doubt we could have gotten it anywhere safely. Still, as the evening wore on, he second-guessed, we both did. If only he’d thrown a bag over it, maybe gotten it into a box that way, we could have taken it to the Pecks, a couple who might have saved it.

It is hard to blame a guy leaving for a landscaping job at 7:30 and returning home at 5:30, just to turn around and be at a pitch meeting for a prairie project from 7-9 p.m. Before going to sleep with nightmares of owls.

sick-fred

Meanwhile, Fred is not doing well. Several weeks ago I thought Fred was carried off by a hawk in a daytime capture, but it turned out it was one of the other chickens– both my white-breasted chickens were still around. But now Fred, clearly Fred, is losing all her feathers! She has not been cast out by the other chickens, and watching them eat and move around it is clear they are not pecking her. What is most likely is that she has mites (not keeping up on your dirt baths, Fred??) or lice. After some research, the plan is to clean and disinfect the coop, and sprinkle Fred liberally with a chemical that is made specifically for poultry (or for vegetable plants! Reading that and those instructions– it is very toxic to humans and children should not be in any distance where they could inhale it! Why would you put that on your veggie plants??)

Right now she looks like she had a very bad moult. It’s particularly bad on her neck and around her butt (even as a chick, she didn’t keep it clean down there, which is how she got her name and bad reputation). The other chickens, which have put on their full winter plumage, are twice her size. It’s just pathetic and really difficult to see. The hope is that with treatment and some extra protein in her diet she will grow back enough feathers to survive the winter. The idea of her freezing to death in the barn is really more than I can face.

pheasant-hiding-place

I hate to say it, but I’ve been fantasizing and thinking very seriously lately about trying to shoot a pheasant. There are four males who have been hiding out every morning right in our front yard in the prairie grass. Then they move quite boldly to the commons area and on to the prairie behind the house. They squawk all day, tempting me. We don’t need that many males, and I love pheasant stew— marinating the meat in wine for two days then cooking it a few hours with garden veggies. I haven’t gone out there yet– I don’t actually know how to shoot our rifles. Though I have shot a .22 rifle once at a shooting range– on a Super Bowl Sunday in Chicago in the late 1990s with my dear departed friend Rocco. If Steve would go hunting with me, I could learn.

So, birds. They break your heart just like all the other critters. They take your breath away. You raise them for the eggs or meat and fall in love with them. And here we are. And with guns, and critters, and dark, life is less simple. There are terrible tragedies.

I just keep thinking of the opening of Robinson Jeffers’ poem “Hurt Hawks”

I’d sooner– except the penalties–kill a man than a hawk.

I looked up the rest: in the end he shoots the hawk, but not before trying to save it…

II

I’d sooner, except the penalties, kill a man than a hawk;
but the great redtail
Had nothing left but unable misery
From the bone too shattered for mending, the wing that trailed under his talons when he moved.

We had fed him six weeks, I gave him freedom,
He wandered over the foreland hill and returned in the evening, asking for death,
Not like a beggar, still eyed with the old
Implacable arrogance.

I gave him the lead gift in the twilight.
What fell was relaxed, Owl-downy, soft feminine feathers; but what
Soared: the fierce rush: the night-herons by the flooded river cried fear at its rising
Before it was quite unsheathed from reality.

Posted in poetry, prairie, the Farm, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Ethiopian Food in St. Cloud

9th-ave-deli

One of the benefits of new immigrant groups in an area is the arrival of good new cuisines. Steve and I have made an effort to find Somalian food in St. Cloud, eating at two small restaurants, and a few weeks ago Steve found this Ethiopian “deli” in a convenient store in St. Cloud.

fantaThere used to be an excellent gyros place in this spot. Steve’s daughter’s boyfriend, Chris, referred us to it. It closed down, but Steve stopped to see if anything had filled the space. It’s not a place you would find on your own. Sure, there’s a banner saying “we serve hot food,” but that’s vague enough to mean hot dogs on rollers and burritos in a microwave.

The convenient store stocks Fanta in bottles, to complete the African atmosphere, and some very spicy looking chips with a name I didn’t recognize. And no Smartfood popcorn (in case you were wondering).

9th-ave-menu

One thing you learn right away about these places is that the menu is meaningless. You can order goat, but you will get beef. You can order the platter, but it won’t look like the platter in the photo. Best just to say, “Can you make us a platter for three?” and see what comes. The proprietor told us: “I have tibs, and I will make you some special dishes.”

We asked the proprietor about his ethnicity– this area has more Somali, and he does not look like the “typical” Ethiopian I’ve met here, in Chicago, and in New York. He said he is Oromo, the largest ethnic group, followed closely by the Amhara. He said other things, political things about war and independence, which were hard to follow. Of course, it is war that brings any ethnic groups from anywhere to our shores. This man worked in maintenance for St. Paul public schools for 30 years before “retiring” here to run this restaurant with his wife– open seven days a week from 11 a.m. until 10 p.m.

st-cloud-tibs

Next time we will ask for more of the vegetarian dishes and a little less tibs. They were excellent, but the bean/dal dishes were even better– fewer peppers and perfectly spiced. They make the injera (bread used to eat the food) on site, and it was fresh.

The platter was listed at $15.99, and we were happily charged $24 for the three of us. We left full and happy for $8/each. And we’ll be back.

Posted in food, reviews | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Heartbreak Road

road-project1This is what heartbreak looks like. In the past ten days they’ve come in with backhoes and skid loaders and driven right through a huge chunk of the seventeen acres.

It’s the beginning of building the road, a process that won’t really get going for a couple more months. This piece is just about running the wires we need here at the farm and wherever else they go underground instead of along the poles that were recently here. It’s also clearly about carving up the space, too. This corner, which during negotiations we called “the triangle,” will be a retention pond or some other functional clearing to serve the road.

The first few days the skid loaders were tracking back and forth and men were putting up the plastic fencing to mark the area, Steve came home at night and said, “I’m heartbroken.” They were running roughshod all over his prairie.

road-project-2Prairies for Steve are works of art. Although I think people think of them in other ways– restoration of “original” landscape, habitat for pollinators, or even “weed patches” that displaced a lovely piece of lawn (how the mower where I work sees it when he comes and mows the paths in the prairie there)– Steve sees every plot he works as a little work of art.

It is dynamic– one year flowers dominate, another year it’s grasses, and some years what is noticeable are the bees and butterflies– but it is art nonetheless.

That’s why he’s willing to clear trees. He has a vision. And it is not a vision of a road.

sky-ladder1This past week we watched a documentary called Sky Ladder about the fireworks/explosive art of Chinese artist Cai Guo-Qiang. It is amazing. And though his art is ephemeral (once the smoke clears, it’s over) and very much spectacle (though his museum work and paintings made of gunpowder residue are seriously impressive), it is also environmental and based on a vision. I think of Steve’s work in that way– particularly his work in our backyard, which has had more than a decade to mature.

This year the burn was very late, and the flowers were not as spectacular as they were in other areas of prairie on the farm. Which only let the river of grass take its place as the centerpiece on that canvas.

August 22 dusk

Posted in prairie, the Farm | Tagged | 1 Comment

Greenhouse Days

greenhouse crop seedsThere is no act more hopeful than buying seeds. I am a seed junkie, and cannot help myself. So when the ads for “end-of-season sale seeds” started coming into my inbox, I spent a lot of time reading the descriptions and dreaming of next year.

Our greenhouse is in the final stages. It has been three years of work in gaps in the prairie/landscaping season for Steve and his partner. This fall only the “curtains” needed to be installed to make it fully enclosed. And in the past week Steve has dug a trench and laid the conduit for the electrician to come in and wire it. Once we have electricity, the pump guy will come out and install the water, hopefully in a way that we can use a wand to water plants in the spring. I’d like to get a large (or multiple) raised bed out there before the ground freezes, but that might have to wait until spring. Steve’s plan for the winter is building tables and a small “patio” where we will enjoy sunny winter days in relative comfort in our big glass house. We’ll also be rebranding his business and working on a new website for Prairiescapes. As soon as we are able, we’ll start seeds for prairie grasses and native flower plugs.

I will start my seeds, including good varieties of peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes, that I can grow in the greenhouse. To that end, I bought “Arbison F1 OG,” hybrid indeterminate organic tomatoes recommended for greenhouse growing, and “Unistars F1 TRTD,” a high-bearing greenhouse cucumber  (pricey even on sale). I also hope to grow trays and trays of greens in the greenhouse. (I bought some “pelleted” romaine seeds to see if I could grow large heads instead of my usual mixed “leaves.”) The greenhouse will be unheated, but actually will have a stove if needed. And we’re going to move the lid of the cold frame in there for a greenhouse-within-a-greenhouse system that will give greens an extra layer of protection on borderline freezing nights.

The goal in next years, for me, is to be able to grow plugs/seedlings for a local CSA and grow a number of crops for sale at our local market and maybe at the winter farmer’s market (it is not easy to get into our farmer’s market with conventional crops, but I’m not sure anyone offers early greens.)  But this year is to figure out how the greenhouse works and get practices in place. I would hate, for example, to start all the broccoli plants (even if I could) for the local CSA and have them wiped out either by a freeze or aphids.

leeks before cleaningAt home, I am not eating very well– my appetite and taste are both off. But I am embracing “leek season.” So far that means a pan-roasted chicken with leek sauce (mmm, leek sauce) that was somewhat rich (I never cook with bacon! And I did pour off half the grease from the bacon and chicken before putting in the oven). Leeks show up in a lot of clean leeksgratins with cream and cheese. I like them in a potato-leek soup with a little bit of curry powder for flavor. But for now I have worked through the “prep,” cutting the ends off two buckets of leeks and washing them for storage in the fridge. Leeks have the longest season– I plant the tiny seeds back in February and don’t harvest until after the first frost. Between they require thinning, weeding, and hilling (thanks, Kate!) to develop the thick, white stalks. They provide a rather small harvest once they’re cleaned and trimmed (a lot of leeks go into one pot of soup), but they feel like the most luxurious crop. Thus welcoming the “rich” treatment!

pre-roasted cauliflower

pre-roasted cauliflower

I’ve also been working on the two large cauliflower left in my kitchen (that soup never happened). I recommend roast cauliflower with parmesan, particularly this recipe. I wasn’t too sure about the onions and garlic, but I have to say the onions particularly stole the show. They become so beautifully carmelized in this dish, they really add depth. The cauliflower is also delicious, particularly with the hint of garlic/onion/parm flavor that doesn’t overwhelm them. I’ve made it twice!

 

Posted in food, garden, recipe | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Greenhouse Days

Finally, a Crime Podcast Done Right

in-the-dark-logoI’ve been more than ambivalent about the recent trend in crime-exploring podcasts that throw doubt on the results of the criminal justice system. It’s not even so much that I doubt their editing and production process led us to the right conclusion (though there’s some of that) as I’ve just felt they weren’t very good at storytelling. Serial season 1 was the worst, in my opinion. And the fact that it opened the door to millions of people binge-listening to these radio programs was really discouraging to me. It seemed the last refuge of the short-attention-span, no-rabbit-hole-too-small online culture. AND it led many people to make decisions about an actual case that the podcast didn’t itself make and couldn’t really be drawn from the podcast. They weren’t trying to solve the case. They were just trying to show that Adnan didn’t get a fair shake. That they did in the most random, meandering, confoundingly confusing way possible. And they took the longest possible time to do it.

But I was very interested from the beginning to hear what Madeleine Baran and the American Public Media team would do with the Jacob Wetterling case in their series In the DarkI was especially interested to hear the series when, two weeks before it was scheduled to air, Danny Heinrich confessed from prison and led law enforcement to Jacob’s body, which had been buried in a corn field 20 miles from his home for 27 years. Suddenly the case was solved, so “who done it” was not in play. APM moved up the scheduling by a week, and also went back and re-edited, a great piece of work in itself, so the series would match what had been revealed. But the essence of their piece was intact. Their question was: “Why did it take so long to get Danny Heinrich?” Where, how, and why had the investigation– especially the investigation conducted by the Stearns County sheriff’s department– failed?

jacob-wetterlingThe Jacob Wetterling abduction looms large in the area where I live. The case was hugely important in establishing a sex offender registry in this country, and so had national significance as well. When news of the confession broke, it made The New York Times.

I live less than a mile from the abduction site (as the crow flies). In 2010, the sheriff’s office conducted an ill-advised and  harassing search of a farm next to the site and for days we had the whir of news helicopters over our house. I ended up writing a short story about the experience.

The reason this podcast is so good is because it is well written and well organized. Baran breaks down the story into key themes and explores each one fully and meaningfully in an episode. She talks to the right people and she uses the interviews wisely. She not only follows the narrative in a straightforward and manageable way, she sees what is important in the narrative. She sees why and when and how the case gets away from the local investigators: in the beginning when the sheriff’s office didn’t canvas the neighborhood; in the days when the case drew national media attention and the scope broadened into psychic and serial killer territory; in the desperation when a new sheriff focused on the easiest-at-hand scapegoat and hounded him.

Why this podcast is important to me is that it has changed the narrative for me here in St. Joseph. I have written a draft of a novel about another bungled investigation, of a police killing in Cold Spring, Minnesota, just up the road. I approached the novel with the narrative that is firmly in place for many of us out here– that we are small, friendly, safe communities where nothing very bad ever happens. And because of that, when something truly bad happens, it is “outside” of us, and so impossible for us to “solve.” No small-town police department, or sheriff’s department, can be expected to manage cases this complicated and beyond the pale. But that’s not really true. The case could have been solved. The Stearns County Sheriff’s office could have done better (as one person in the podcast says, nothing presented in the podcast is new; all the evidence was there, all these years). Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s hard to get away from the fact that a local blogger put all this together before Baran or law enforcement.

The truth is, the Cold Spring case also suffered greatly because the department arrested and focused on (and ruined the life of) the wrong guy in the days after the crime. And more than that, these two crimes are not the only horrific crimes in this county. Baran talks about other unsolved cases that should have been solved: the murder of two teen girls in the 1980s that was not taken seriously and was lost in the politics of a sheriff’s election; and the murder of a woman and her children out in the country in the 1970s where a simple question to the one surviving member of the family could have broken open the case. Cold Spring also had one of the nation’s post-Columbine high school shootings. Each of these things shook the community, and then subsided. Maybe we didn’t go back completely to thinking of the area as small-town-safe, but I do see kids with greater freedom around here than I see elsewhere (and I’m glad about that, as long as they’re also watchful and not careless about safety and the dangers of this world). But whether this is overall a safe place is not what is at issue. What is at issue is the way we push away what we don’t want to face, what we don’t want to claim. Although we waited with hope and with the porch light on for Jacob to possibly return from the abduction, the truth of what happened did not come to light because we/the sheriff’s department did not bring it to light.

To explain how deep this myth runs for me, I have to remember something I realized teaching a catechism (faith formation) class at the Cold Spring Catholic church. One week we were told that in lieu of the planned lesson, we’d be doing a “safe environment” training about childhood sexual abuse. This yearly pre-emption of catechism was a response to the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, which included cases throughout this very Catholic area. It made me uncomfortable, though, that the parents hadn’t been told about this change in schedule. I am all for this kind of education, but I am also a sexual abuse survivor, and my reaction was that this was not a wise thing to drop without warning on parents and 13-16 year old children. I had other issues with how this initiative was being rolled out, but what struck me was that I know the statistics and it was nearly certain that there were victims of sexual abuse (albeit not necessarily by clergy) sitting at those long tables in Heritage Hall. Were we prepared for fallout– including possible accusations– that might come out of this? But my sense was, talking to others, that it was ok because it was a warning about something that might happen, not something that had happened. Of course this is another giant can of worms, but I think it’s part of the same story that we don’t believe these things can happen in our community. If they do, they have nothing to do with “us.” In many ways that is what went wrong in the Jacob Wetterling investigation, even as a member of our community was scapegoated.

In the Dark is a masterful series, well worth listening to in its entirety. And when you do, don’t think it’s only about a small town in Central Minnesota, which you might think of as backward or incompetent or just plain unequipped to see the truth. Because we all turn away to preserve the myths of our small towns and communities. And kudos to Madeleine Baran and her crew for telling us the story in such a meaningful and clear way.

Posted in Minnesota history, reviews, St. Joseph, the Farm | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Chicken Chili

chicken-chili

Taking advantage of this steroid day, when I have energy before the poisons in my system take hold, I made a big pot of chili. I made this once before, a couple weeks ago, when I learned Rancho Gordo had prepared my second shipment of beans for the bean club.

rancho-gordo-beansI am not keeping up with the shipments of beans!

In my defense, I couldn’t eat beans for several weeks after the surgery. But as soon as my taste came back, I had a serious craving for Mexican food. So I went looking for a chicken chili recipe, an EASY one, and found it at smittenkitchen.com. Her recipe is for a slow cooker. And to be honest, I’ve been burned once before trying to cook dried beans right in a recipe in a slow cooker (bad case of beansplosion in the digestive system). So I decided both times to soak the beans overnight and even give them a 30-minute start on the stove. In the first case, this worked perfectly. In the recent batch, in which I used Lila beans, they are a bit overcooked. Which in chili is way better than undercooked.

This time around, I also used a rotisserie chicken. So everything but the onions and peppers were fully cooked. Which made this a 30-minute chili (aside from bean prep, of course, but I did that a day ahead).

This chili lends itself to lots of additions, though it is delicious on its own. You can add corn, cilantro chutney (my fave), barley, whatever. I had the last of my tomatillos from the garden so I pureed them (with the garlic, another step saved!) and cooked them down with the onion before adding the other ingredients.

oreganoAnd to really make this perfect, I got my box of beans (which included black beans right at black bean soup season, and black-eyed-peas which I’ve always wanted to use for New Year’s Day). In it was a wonderful extra: freshly dried Mexican oregano! Primo! Just what the recipe called for!

I hope you make this– it also freezes nicely. Here it is with my modifications (click on the link above if you want better banter and the original recipe for slow cooker or stovetop).

Mexican Chicken Chili

1 rotisserie chicken
1 medium yellow onion, chopped small
1 large or a few small ancho poblano peppers, chopped small
2 large garlic cloves, minced
1 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
1 tablespoon dried oregano
2 teaspoons fine sea salt
Ground chili powder of your choice, to taste (or a jalapeno for hotter chili)
1 28-ounce can crushed tomatoes (I used a quart of garden-canned with liquid)
5 cups of cooked beans
chicken broth
additions such as corn, barley, pureed tomatillos, red or green peppers, cilantro

garnish with sour cream, cheese, cilantro, as you like, and serve with corn or flour tortillas

  1. If using dry beans, soak overnight. If you want to finish them in the chili, just put all the chili ingredients except the chicken in a large pot with 4-5 cups of chicken broth so there is enough for the beans to absorb and cook for 2 1/2 to 3 hours, then add chicken and serve. You need about half that if the beans are pre-cooked from cans or if you simmered them in chicken broth or water for 30 minutes after soaking. If your beans are cooked, go to step 2.
  2. In a large pot, sautee onion and pepper in a small amount of oil for 5 minutes. Add the spices, tomatoes, 2 cups of chicken broth and the beans. Shred the chicken and add it to the pot and let it simmer for the flavors to meld for 20-30 minutes. Serve!

 

Posted in food, recipe | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Good News

Me at my post-surgical pre-second-round best.

Me at my post-surgical pre-second-round best.

Good news. I didn’t think the day I went back to chemotherapy would be a good day, but it really was. I had a PET scan, the first post-surgery, on Wednesday. Also checked my blood again and the CA-125 marker had dropped on its own from 193 to 118. Still too high (normal is under 35) but a very good sign– sometimes, I hear anecdotally, surgery will cause it to rise.

Better, though, was when my oncologist came in to give us the PET results and said the results were “good.” He has never been that unqualified about a scan result before. There was no visible thickening of the lung lining– because it is unreachable by surgery without opening the chest, it will always be the lung we are watching. “No evidence of residual disease” was the pronouncement on the whole scan. And while he spun the image around to show me nothing in the bones, nothing anywhere, I tried to see my organs– what was still there and what was missing. I couldn’t see anything, though, except my normal glowing kidneys and bladder. And that is good news.

This means for my last two rounds of chemotherapy (we need to bring that number down and get any microscopic or otherwise too-small-to-scan traces) I will be on a “lighter” second-line drug, in combination with the nasty Carboplatin. The Carbo has been very effective. We have cut out the Taxol, mostly because my neuropathy in my feet remains severe. I am getting used to it, but my feet are still completely numb/tingly all the time.

I got my first dose Thursday, and today am feeling the positive effects of that pre-treat steroid dose. More good news is that I won’t have to take steroids the day before, as that was to treat my allergy to Taxol. Best of all, though, in the 3-week cycle I get the 3rd week off, no treatment. Time for the blood cell counts to revive and then the one last shot of Carbo + Gemza, one solo Gemza, and we hope I will be done for a long time. The oncologist said, presuming the CA-125 goes back to normal (it was at 18 in August), we enter a time of “watchful waiting.” This is him reminding me that I am Stage IV, even if the surgeon staged me back to IIIC. In any event, I hope for a long, long stretch of watchful waiting with good numbers and no thickening of the lung lining.

 

This will be a two-post day. I want to separate the recipe from the health news. But I’ve taken advantage of this steroid day to refill the larder and fridge and freezer for what lies ahead, do some laundry, and cook up a great pot of chili!

 

 

Posted in cancer | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Poplars

cottonwoodsA big source of discussion around here this year has been the rows of poplar trees that line our driveway. They are big and shaggy but have been a really nice feature of the property. They give the driveway a stately feel.

They also do some first class rustling. We have three ash trees at the end of the drive that provide excellent shade for the screen porch. We have two fine locust trees for visual interest and dappled shade by the steps. And a few years ago Steve planted three good maples at strategic points around the house for fall color. But none of them rustle like the poplars.

And when the starlings come, now and then, by the hundreds if not the thousands, there is no place for them to all roost or lift off from en masse except those poplars.

Steve has been talking for at least three years about cutting them all down. I was not on board for several years. And this year word got out and one by one people have expressed their dismay. His brother in the Cities thinks he’s gone nuts.

My parents think it’s downright cruel, especially given my cancer, to decimate the landscape that way, to chop down those magnificent trees! My step-daughter wants to know if it could wait two more years, until after her wedding (she is not yet engaged). No one, not a single person has voted on the side of chopping them down and hauling them away.

single-oakBut given the time (for me this has been under discussion for years), I’ve come around to the idea. Although I love the poplars, whatever comes next will also be very nice. The poplars interfere with Steve’s vision of the place, which is prairie with oak savannah here and there. He says he has some larger oaks he can put in clusters off the drive.

This might be the year they come down. Or maybe only some of them will come down. I asked Steve to start at the end of the drive and move toward the house– in case the starlings decide to come next summer.

steve-on-prairie-path

Posted in cancer, prairie, the Farm | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments